Valuable Lessons from a Special Child

One may say that all children are special; it’s true, children are God’s gift. They teach you to love unconditionally. Even when they have been screaming their heads off for the last two hours, you love them. If they have been rubbing curry and sauce into the gap between the tiles on your spotless floor, you love them. They may spread talcum powder all over your computer screen, but you love them. They may rub crayons on your project presentation, but yet you love them. All it takes is for them to look at you adoringly with unbridled affection, and snuggle into your arms.

And yet, there are some children who are even more special. These children are special because they are unfortunate, in many ways. Some have no sight; some cannot hear; some have deformed limbs, or none at all; some have poor mental health – and some have invisible, incomprehensible handicaps, like autism or ADHD. And you are free to disagree with me, but in my eyes, they are the worst off. Because nobody believes they are handicapped; OK, I’ll qualify that. A large number of people don’t believe they are disabled; many think all these kids need is a good talking-to and a few spanks on their butts, and the autism or ADHD will just fall out. Well, I am sorry to disappoint all those people. These are very real problems, and if you feel that a child does not LOOK disabled and hence cannot be so, it is solely your problem. And no, a special needs child is not ‘abnormal’, he or she is simply different.

Why is it so hard for people to accept this difference? Why is it that everyone suddenly becomes an expert on how to raise such a child or deal with a disorder like this by seeing or interacting with one child a few hours in a month, or by reading an article on WebMD? Why cannot people simply be empathetic, and listen to what the child’s parent has to day? Why cannot they offer support to that parent who is moving heaven and earth to do the best by their child?

As the mother of a boy with ADHD, I have had to fight many people, not to convince them about his condition, but just to ensure that his basic rights as a child are not denied to him. I have had to fight the system, relatives, random strangers, the education system – you name it. Raising a child with special needs is a roller-coaster ride, with more downs than ups. But it is a huge teacher; raising my son has taught me more than what any school, college, or university could.

I have learnt that even the smallest of victories is still a victory worth celebrating.

I have learnt that no matter how bad it seems, things do get better.

I have learnt that no matter how many failures or setbacks you encounter, you still have to dust yourself off and start afresh.

I have learnt to trust my instincts, and make radical changes in life even when everyone else disagrees.

I have learnt that it’s OK even if your child is not an Einstein at school.

I have learnt to not get hyper and stay calm when he expresses interest in weird stuff like astral projection.

I have learnt to support my child’s interests and motivate him to do better.

I have learnt that successes can happen when you least expect them.

I have learnt that your child can have several hidden talents, and I’ve learnt to nurture them.

I have learnt that I am capable of talking for hours to get my child to understand a single thing.

I have learnt to have boundless patience, even though I could have ripped someone’s head off in frustration.

I have learnt to be a better and bigger person and to ignore those who are ignorant.

More than anything, I have learnt acceptance. To accept, and even celebrate, the difference.

I have learnt that different does not always mean problematic, or bad. The difference has made my child a sensitive, kind, and generous human being.

I am grateful for both my sons – one who was born with a cornucopia of maturity, sensitivity and intelligence, and the other who swept into my life like a hurricane and volcano were getting married – and the honeymoon still continues.

They say that it takes a village to raise a child – sadly, these special children often are isolated, and the village doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I have heard numerous heartbreaking stories from moms of autistic and ADHD kids who bemoan the fact that their child’s classmates won’t invite them for their birthday parties, and don’t turn up for their child’s party either; of how they are bullied by other kids because they are different, and how they don’t get empathy from teachers; I’ve read about these children not being accepted into activities like dance, music or karate classes because the teacher would have to give them more time and attention – and this is truly tragic.

I consider myself very fortunate in this respect, because I have my village; I fought, and clawed my way to gather and build it, but I have my village, and it’s a great village. On this children’s day, I would like to mention all of my village, who have helped my children turn into the fine young men they are today:

• My family – ever my biggest strength; my husband, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brother, cousins
• Many of my sons’ teachers who supported my efforts
• Their Sensei who persevered with my special needs son and brought him up to par and ready for a black belt at his pace
• In my ADHD son’s case, the parents of the karatekas in his dojo who are amazingly supportive
• A handful of my friends who backed me to the hilt
• The CEO and Admins of the school my son studied in, and the principals for their faith in his abilities, and the willingness to give him more chances.

And many random people, like grocers, salon guys, hired help, who, despite not being very educated, accepted him and kept an eye out for him, and treated him with affection and special care. I am grateful to all of them; I cannot ignore anyone’s contribution, even the smallest.

So, what I want to say is, just accept; there is no one-size fits all when it comes to how kids are, and how you need to raise them. Accept it. Accept them. Love them, show them empathy, and you will be amazed at how much bigger your world becomes, and how much smaller your problems seem.

If you want to know more about my journey as a mom of an ADHD child, you can check out my book on Amazon:  https://www.amazon.in/Attention-Discovered-Hyperactive-Dude-House-ebook/dp/B083LNNJNL